letter to a mother

if you're conned long enough to skip thru girlhood- and unfortunate enough to produce the hormone that is evil enough to create an ovum that is whorish enough to welcome the sperm and a womb dumb enough to hold the fetus and a baby unwitting enough to come out who is hopeful enough to take that first breath- you have the imperative to fight the cruelty of Nature and leave that baby on a rock Continue your trek through the Wilderness

5/11: For C.O.

I lean over slowly - when close enough - I start to feel His warm breath Upon my lips. My lips Touch his. I gently press Upon his lips. My arms Wrap - Around his chest. I hold his ribs his lungs and heart. My tongue touches Behind his teeth; roof of his mouth. He offers his tongue And we hold - We hold. We hold - His arms around My upper back. And now I pull him closer still - Our mouths merge - Noses give way - My eyes pass Into his mind; His eyes pass Into mine. Together We draw One peaceful breath - And hold, Hold. We hold

4/21 #1: Untitled

The moon in June I'd give you the moon I'd love you forever Forever is never Roses were red, skies were blue Stormy skies, I'm gonna cry Pink hearts, red hearts - Sweetheart with a dull heart I'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry Baby is gone Love has died

4/12 #1: Rock Me

You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of this?
You want a piece of my heart?
Then put on your hobnailed boots;
I got a place for you here.
Right next to the others.

Nice men are pussies.
I can get their attention,
And they can get mine.
But they won't keep it.
You gotta hurt me the way I like it.

And if I ever complain, just remind me,
You said you were an asshole
When we met. And I promise
I'll love you the hardest
(And hate you the longest).

4/11 #3: Name This Blog!

Going forward, should I rename this blog:

a) Second Liver

b) Fuck me and the horse I rode in on

c) I bet you think this blog is about you

Email me with your selection, or send me an IM in-world.

4/11 #2: rl Fantasy #2

press against your back smell behind your ear rest my face against yours close my eyes and breathe in when you breathe out seal my body to yours

4/11 #1: rl Fantasy #1

through the jetway
nervous excited
recognition and smiles
cute tall different same
should i hug? he won't
(do it anyway)
hold his hand as we walk

a small pool of light
surrounded by dark
jeans belts socks skin
he looks at me
i look up at him
a curtain of his hair
falls around my face

As I step from the shower
I look in the mirror
Will he like what he sees?

4/8 #1: Crystal Night

(The second window in 3 months has been broken at my synagogue).

A shattered window,
Explodes across the temple floor.

A thousand tiny shards,
Shimmer in the morning sun.

The broken glass,
Sparkles in defiance of old hates.

An eternal beauty,
Shines amid the damage.

And our descendants will multiply,
Like the stars in the heavens.

4/7 #1: The Moon

The moon.
The moon -
He pulls across space.

The body of water -
My body -
Draws up to meet him.

4/1 #1: It's All Alright

Is it just me, or can you too hear That somewhere a baby is crying? I could walk down this street with my eyes closed. Across the thoughtfully landscaped front yard; My key will work in the front door, That's my toys scattered round on the floor. I follow the sounds to the front room, The baby is catching her breath. But overdone shallots get soggy, And egg whites can be over-whisked. Besides, it's me who's neglecting - I should have tended to this. So slowly I lift up the baby, And draw her up close to my chest. She'll need some cleaning and feeding; I'll comfort her so she can rest.

3/30 #2: Black Hole

I'll tell you what love is: It's not for the faint of heart. I'll start with what love isn't. First, it was never reflected onto that cave wall. And it's not the lies told in preprinted cards. Don't even look in that bouquet you lunged for. Those things aren't love - that's just seduction. No, I don't mean just to get in your pants. Who cares about that? Half the pop. has a vag. Give it away; don't give it away - that's not the issue. That is another one of these myths. (The raw truth is we fought hard for the right To dress like strippers and fuck like players). So now you are ready to hear what love is Listen and learn, and avoid my delusions: Love is something you just give away. That's it; there's no more. Just give it. Away.

3/30 #1: Disposeable Feast

In the back of the fridge
With the bread and the water;
The remains of a meal
Better when served -
Now starting to harden.

Your dining partner
(the one whose Name we can't mention)
Reminded you then-
Like every meal before:

This is not good enough
For you, my Beloved.
I assure you the next one
Will be better than this.

What's that you say?
You still question my palate?
Trust me, my love:
Your interests are mine.

No - don't throw it away.
Have the girl box it.
It'll taste just fine
Should you want it some day.

Look at me, now:
It's time to move on.
I promised to show you
The best menus in town.

Bring your left overs, but
I've told you before:
There's no end to these morsels.
No end to these boxes, and
No end to the shelf space.

Let's go - the car's waiting.
You'll get the bill later.

3/25 #1: Good Times

This is a list of good memories I've never strung together and looked at. It is just a brainstorm exercise - but it had a positive effect on my attitude that day!

Sitting on Mama's lap in her rocker.
Lying on the cool floor in the summer.
Listening to the calm underwater at the pool.
Reading in front of the class.
Chasing boys with my friends on the blacktop.
Playing in Aimee's fort in the rain.
Sitting with Shawn in the mud at Sliding Hill;
Trespassing through fields to a private pond.

Listening to the wind move the pines overhead.
Stretching out on a cot at the lake.
Washing broken treasures we found at the mine;
And burying them again so they wouldn't be stolen.
Hopping boulders with balance and ease.
Backpacking with hippies and nude cannonballs into a lake.

Reading 12 books about Native Americans
And another 6 on Ancient Egypt.
Discussing history and ethics with Mom.
Finding free concerts in Golden Gate Park.
Toking with Nancy.
Tripping with Gwen.
Understanding my place in the universe during an acid trip.
Bob telling me to trust myself.
Running my hand down his back.

Being given the freedom to graduate early;
Using that time to study ballet and modern.
Finally feeling that perfect pliee.
Blasting Sex Pistols so loud that the whole dorm can hear it;
Then digging the lectures for World Civ 101.
Rubbing 2 ideas together and creating a 3rd.
Working with charcoal in a life drawing class.

Knowing I was part of David-and-Julie.
Hosting dinner for 23 punks (and Mom).
Feeling like I belonged for one random moment while walking down some street in Berkeley.
Kissing Orlando for the first time.
Raising $236 to replace Flipper's stolen amp.
My first shot of coke.
My first bag of speed.
My first double martini.
Getting clean (much later).

Robert telling me he loved me.
Travelling by train around the States.
Having dinner with G. Gordon Liddy.
Feeling relaxed thanks to pot.
Feeling relaxed thanks to prayer.
Maui, Barcelona, Venice, Boston, New Orleans.
Velasquez at the National Gallery, Ingres and Vuillard at the NYMMA, Goya at the Prado, Catalonian chapels at the CMAC.

Writing drash for services.
Learning from Irv Newman before he died.
Cradling Mamala in my arms.
Praying with everyone at the Western Wall.
Knowing my teaching ideology was right.
Hugging the foster boys.
Lying under the full moon in the Grand Canyon.
Sitting on a boulder on a river bank at dusk in the Sierras and knowing I was part of everything.

3/24 #2: Hold the Bacon

I know what can help me right now:
It's Giotto, and 6th century frescoes.
Not quite ready for the Dutch realists,
And F. Bacon is strictly on hold.

3/24 #1: Hotel Sex

Hotel sex I like to role play the kitten It's an act that ends at checkout. This morning my mind runs reverse and He gets a poseball or bot. Aww, Tooky- you cryin'? Honey- you know me: Who knows? Don't worry. While some virtual stranger Has my sex and my heart Someone who doesn't want either. Would someone please crank up the music? I'm gonna lie here and stare at the sun.

3/23 #1: Good Enough

I've gotten past wishing for cancer,
or that I would be hit by a truck.
It's still best at that first waking moment,
And I'm starting to string more together.
I can tune in long enough to start laughing again
And resume dancing when I need to tune out.
In a matter of time, and with my habit of mind
This story gets stuffed with the others.
God's hand in my life has been fucken lite
'His' direction has been underwhelming.
'His' blessing to me was a will to survive
The same gift 'he' gives to all creatures.
It's the gift from the devil that makes me a human:
He gave me hope this gets better.
So I'll pick up where I left off
And continue to dance to this beat
To distract myself from the past.
I'm confident I'll string longer moments together
And hope against hope it's enough.

3/22 #2: Lanina Contodo

His said 'Lanina's Man';
Hers said "Angel's Gurrl'
The player sighed before typing,
"Awwww yu so lucky!" to her.
Oh sorry - you talking to me?
"Ya - your man has your name above his".
She gave me a couple of key strokes :)
And continued to IM and pose.

3/22 #1: Baby Pic

Imagine a pic of a baby,
Eyes clenched and fingers outspread.
She's screaming so hard you can hear it;
Her eyes and her mouth are both wet.
Her rage and frustration are so real
(she's just hungry or sleepy or wet)
But it resembles that girl at My Lai
Who runs at the photog for help.
Of course, it's a matter of scale,
But Baby's too young to know that.
Much later she looks at this photo.
Her rage is replaced with disgust:
Granted - the composition and the lighting
Are as good as any he'd done
But -
If a child near you is screaming,
And you're not crippled from the neck down;
It's not the camera that you should reach for -
It's the baby you're supposed to pick up.

3/21 #1: It was rl, wasn't it?

I pushed the rl too hard and too fast Was that it, my sweet Mr. O.? I just didn't know How to read your ambivalence; Both messages rang loud and clear. Yes, I heard the resistance, It was often and regular: "The photos's just fuzzy" or "You can stay with my friends" and Ignore the email, don't answer the phone, or simply a ditch from the sim. And I also heard on the night that you dumped me, "I'm your best thing in r and sl". And you might even recall this dialog: "Please God, is he the man for me?" I hope you remember your answer. The mistake that I made Was to think that I could Get you to see it my way. I was too hopeful and stubborn (and anxious about my own life) To believe that you wouldn't budge.

3/20 #4: My Sweet

Once your av /bit her lower lip;
And this player's body responded.

3/20 #3: The Adult in the Inven.

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: somewher in my invent. is an adult-in-a-box lemme see

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: hmmmm i saw it a while ago its a mess in here!

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: i havent worn it nor opened the box i hav e no idea what its like -the skin the shape i prolly know

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: but the part that interests me is the AO

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: that should make for a difference in the way my av behaves she's been flopping like a chick that fell out of the nest

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: i could use the search function but i don't even know what she's called

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: hang on a sec

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: ah here it is actyerage override - haha good one

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: ok i'm off to the sandbox next time yhou see me ill be a fledgling adult

[12:13] Roxanne Questi: if i can just get the dam keyboard away from the baby. it's time she gets off the puter.

3/20 #2: The Snapshot

Impressed that he felt emotions;
The UI was very effective.
He gave me a snapshot he'd titled
"The first I had feelings for in SL".
(The word 'first' doesn't sit well,
but you cherish the bit that you get.)
For him the photo was a document
Of the effect of an object on a player.

My emotions also came forward;
Sure, the UI had its appeal.
He was the first for whom I had feelings
- but get this: in the last 20 years.
His interest is science - he was clear about that;
Ol' dummy here - well, it's pretty obvious
what ol' dummy here thought.

3/20 #1: An Olive Branch for My (ex) Baby

Sweet Baby - I don't think we gave us chance. I don't know you, and You don't know me. But I do know this - And this can't be disputed - That I was deeply moved by you; Excited by you; Happy with you. I'd give anything to feel that alive.

3/19 #7: For some

For some, the metaverse junction occurs at a virtual conference,
For others, it’s virtual classes.
To my sadness and shame, the merge of r and sl
Occurred at a bridge in my heart.

3/19 #6: The bird trapped in the chimney

The bird trapped in the chimney,
Was coughing with thirst.
Nae bother – let's look for the other
And see what she’s doing first.
The bird’s just generic
A robin, or a wren.
Besides she was not real
Just an imaginary friend.
So dance at a disco
Chat up a pole dancer;
The cries of the bird
Did not deem an answer.

3/19 #5: Thank you for buying I, Robot (v. love)

Thank you for buying I, Robot (v. love)
To activate, say /You moved me
To deactivate, say /Just leave me alone
If you tp without her, she will automatically return to your inventory

Debug update: In addition to love, this version feels pain.

Note: I, Robot (v. love) will eventually self-delete with disuse.

3/19 #4: Chat with God

[20:36] God: JULIE! [20:36] Julie: yes [20:36] God: DON'T TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY! [20:36] Julie: Why not? Only a sociopath could tune this out [20:36] God: EVERYBODY IS DOING THE BEST THEY CAN. [20:36] Julie: wtf? Nice work, God. Is that you’re excuse, too? [20:36] God: YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN, RIGHT? [20:36] Julie: oh, yeah – THAT’s real encouraging [20:37] God: AT SOME POINT – [20:37] Julie: SHUT UP – I know – - not ready [20:37] Julie: and where the fuck were you when I needed you? [20:37] Julie: You wanna do something right, for a change? Make ‘what I want’ and ‘what I need’ the same g.d. thing. [20:37] God: - YOU JUST GOTTA BE STRONGER. [20:37] Julie: Fuck you! And if that lands me in hell, then DOUBLE fuck you! [20:37] Julie: I’ve had more access to Satan than I’ve ever had to you.

3/19 #3: My av got a makeover

My av got a makeover
Cuz we agreed we’d both grow.
She felt the incisions
He claimed he did, too.
The scalpel kept cutting -
He’d say, “This hurts me, too”.
Then rudely stitched up
She was given the boot.

3/19 #2: I was recently cursed

I was recently cursed By one angry Buddhist That I should return as a lower life form. I think to myself: eat, rut and die? That's an improvement From this sorry plain.

3/19 #1: He rejected me

He rejected me cuz he loved me too much. I’m sure that's exactly what happened - Pining for me now as we speak Hoping somehow he'll get me back. And when he IMs me, & gives me his plea I'll hem & I'll haw - & just when he's squirming I'll offer a tp, a /hug & /kiss I'm no noob to the fact this won’t happen But I do know that time seals all wounds.

3/18 #5: Why does Jesus get to die for my sins?

Why does Jesus get to die for my sins?
Who gave him that privilege, anyway?
I believe I have a claim to that right.
And – if indeed he died for my sins –
Then why do I still feel so bad?

3/18 #4: I'll do what you ask

I'll do what you ask:"Just leave me alone".
But I'm not just an av, and
I know from first-hand
That there isn't "just" love nor "just" pain.
But if you'd hear just these things:
I am much more than just sorry,
And I can't just forget you.

3/18 #3: My heart's in the UK

My heart's in the UK, an unwanted offer;
My shell (the US) - hollow and limp.
A whole world apart, these sad pieces of me
Are still closer together than your av and mine.

3/18 #2: I say to myself

I say to myself,
“If my dad were alive,
I would kill him”.
But he doesn’t deserve
A quick, painless death.
It’s never too late to learn from the past;
From numb child to admiring student.
I know the Body is too easily healed.
The prize in this battle is a blow to the Self.
So my motto is now, “If my dad were alive,
I’d say just leave me alone”.

3/18 #1: My insides are vacant

My insides are vacant
In one end and out the other.
I swallow a 7-course meal,
A litre of drink -
A golden fork, the soup tureen.
The table and chairs,
Slacks blouses shoes coats.
In goes the house and the cars
The books on the night stand, credentials, degree -
The family albums, the marriage decree.
Even mountains and forests,
And the beach at sunset.
But these all pass through.
Sometimes it almost feels like I’m full
But the diet lacks something
And again I am hungry.

3/17 #4: Malpractice threatened

“Malpractice threatened!” screamed the headlines, “baby survives abortion”.
Only much later, her obit will read:
“Won the battle – lost the war”.

3/17 #3: There once was a princess

There once was a princess
With hair of gold
And lips like rose buds.
She lived in a palace
Surrounded by treasure.
She had everything she needed and nothing she wanted.
One morning they found her
Lips blue and slack-jawed.
The court doctor was ordered
To make a prognosis
He leaned in closely to hear her:
“It only hurts when I breathe”
And then he sat back – he knew the problem:
He had attended the Queen
Years ago at the clinic.
“This is a symptom shared by others like you –
Late-term abortions survive but don’t live”.

3/17 (afterwards)

I told the rabbi today that G-d had forsaken me. And he said, "No, G-d is inside of you". That goes a long way towards explaining my problem: He suffocated to death in the vacuum.

3/17 (while waiting)

Envy the fox
Whose foot is caught in the trap,
Steel crushing her limb.
She set out that day -
drawn out to find
what a fox needs to live -
When her path crossed with
an angry steel spring.
She screams and she whimpers
and vainly licks at her wound;
To my mind she is blessed:
She doesn't ask why.